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FRENCH'S    MINOR    DRAMA. 

Cj^e    feting    (Sbhion. 


A     MOST 


Unwarrantable  Intrusion 

gi  Comic  Interlube,  in  #ne  ^rt. 
BY  JOHN  MADISON  MORTON. 


TO  ";\'HICH   Ar.E   ADDED 


A  Description  of  tlie  Costume— Cast  of  the  Characters— Entrances  and  Exita — 

Relative  Positioas  of  the  Performers  oa  the  Stage,  and 

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Amateur  Dramas,  Comedies,  etc —  34 

Amateur  Drama 25 

Amateur  Operas 31 

Articles  Needed  by  Amateurs 44 

Art  of  Scene  Painting 30 

Baker's  Reading  Club 25 

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Bits  of  Burlesque 27 

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Bound  Sets  of  Plays 24 

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(Cabman's  Story 2 

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French's  Costumes 38 

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bound 25 

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ALL  •■ 


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Temperance  Plays 37 

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Voice  and  Action. .   » 

Webster's  Acting  Edition ;.  23 

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A  (MOST 

UNWAREANTABLE 

INTRUSION.  ' 

A  COMIC  INTERLUDE, 

WRITTEN    BY 

JOHN     MADDISON     MORTON, 

AUTHOR    OF 

'  Who  Stole  the  Pocket- Book. ^'     ''John  Bobbs,"    "    Your  Life's  in  dan- 
ger," "  Done  on  Both  Sides,"   "  The  King  and  I,"    "Brother 
Ben,"     "  Milliners'  Holiday,"     "  Betsy  Baker,"     ''Two 
Buzzards,"     "Poor    Pillicoddy,"  "My   Husband's 
Ghost,"  "  Our  Wife,"  "  Right's  and  Wrongs 
of  Woman,"  "Sent  to  the  Tower," 
Etc.,  Etc. 


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BIR.    J.    B.    WRIGHT,    ASSISTANT   MANAGER 

OF   THE   BOSTON   THEATRE. 


Nfw  Yoek  :  London 


SAMUEL  FRENCH  &  SON. 

PUBLISHERS, 

28  East  14th  St.,  Union  Square, 


SAMUEL  FKENCH, 

PUBLISHER, 

89  STKAND. 


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UCSB    LIBRARY 


A  MOST 

UNWARRANTABLE    INTRUSION. 


SCENE. — An  elegantly  furnished  Apartment — Large  French  tcindoio  at  c. 

opening  on  to  afloiver  garden — Doors  at  E.  H.  and  3  E.  L.  H. — At  2  E. 

K.  H.  a  fireplace — A  flower-stand,  with  four  fl/3wer-pots  and  flowers,  2  e. 

L.  H. — At  3  E.  L.  H.  a  pianoforte — At  E.  c,  a7i  easel,  with  a  portrait  of 

a  man — A  female  portrait  on  the  pianoforte — Work-table,  ehe^oneer,  table, 
'  chairs  <jr.,  tj'c. 

Mr.  Snoozle,  in  a  handsome  dressing  gown  and  velvet  cap,  extended  in 
an  east/  chair,  e.  h.  near  table,  on  which  are  breukfast  things,  urn  and  fish 
and  fish  bowl — White  and  gold  service — The  fish  boicl  under  the  urn — 
Bread  and  butter,  tea  caddy,  toasting  fork,  miiffins,  sugar  basin,  ^c,  ^'c. 
— Large  bookcase,  L.  h.,  with  books,  and  three  plaster  busts  on  llie  top — 
Table,  e.  h.,  with  writing  desk,  and  palette  and  brushes. 

Snn.  Now,  this  is  what  I  call  comfortable !  How  delightful  to  break- 
fast alone  in  plii!osophic  seclusion,  itnintcrrupted  by  the  vain,  idle 
prattle  of  women  !  Not  that  any  man  enjoys  the  conversation  of  his 
wife  more  than  I  do — at  an  agreeable  distance.  But  one  may  have  too 
much  of  a  good  thing — and  it  was  with  the  vivid  consciousness  of  that 
fact,  that  I  placed  the  pony  pliteton  at  my  dear  Mrs.  Snoozle's  disposal 
this  morning,  and  not  only  prevailed  on  her  to  take  a  drive  to  London 
but  was  fortunate  enough  to  persuade  her  to  make  our  daughter  Jemima 
Jane,  and  our  neice.  Maria  Matilda,  her  travelling  companions.  The 
dear  creatures  deliglit  in  shopping,  and  I  don't.  But  that's  not  all 
^in  order  to  make  '•  nsuranco  double  sure,"  Pve  given  the  servants 
a  holiilay.  so  that  I  sha'l  have  the  whole  day  to  myself.  If  there  is 
any  one  thing  more  thoroughly  satisfactory  than  another,  it  is  having 
a  day  to  oneself,  (fakes  a  folded  newspaper  off  the  tahle)  The  morning 
paper,  (puts  if  down)  \  shan't  even  open  it.  I  shall  wait  till  Mrs. 
t^noozle  comes  home — when  she  begins  to  talk.  Til  begin  to  read.  Hol- 
loa !  what's  this?  (taking,  a  le'fer  from  off  the  t'jble.  and  exnmining  it) 
Another  letter  from  Mr.  John  Johnson,  .lunior.  I'll  swear  to  the  hand 
— anl  well  I  may — I've  had  sixtee'n  of  them.  Now,  if  there  is  any 
one  thing  in  the  Avorld  that  could  possiblv  ]iut  me  into  a  state  of  excite- 
ment, it  is  this  Mr.  John  Johnson,  Junior's  indefatigable  persever- 
ance.    To  hie  first  letter — containing  a  modest  proposal  for  the  hand 


4  AN    rXWAR«ANTABlJt   INTRUSION. 

of  my  neicc,  Maria  MatiMa— I  rctnrne'I  a  civil,  but  (Kcidod  negative. 
1  (liJn't  know  Mr.  .lohii  .lolmson.  Jiiuior  I  ha  1  never  .-e  n  ^  r  John 
Johnsiin,  Junior — 1  huii  never  even  htanl  nf  .\iv.  ./dhn  .Johnson.  .Jr. 
— and  it  was  nt  very  jirobahle  that  1  was  going  to  givem^Silf  the 
trouhle  of  imiulrinj;  u/w  Mr.  John  Johnson.  Junior,  was — or  «•//«// 
Mr.  John  Johnson,  Junior,  was.  Was  it  rational  to  sujipose  that  I, 
of  all  men  in  the  woili.  wiis  gang  to  put  myself  into  a  state  of  (X- 
eiteiiieat  about  .Mr.  John  Johnson,  Junior?  Of  course  not!  Conse- 
quently, his  next  half-dozen  h•tt^T.s  were  unanwwcred — and  his  next 
lot  of,  which  this  is  the  nintli  weren't  even  0]'cned— so  go  in  theie, 
Mr.  John  Johnson,  Junior,  I  (o/'cng  ilmwr  <if  inhlr.  niiJ  j'uls  in  iftc  lit- 
ter) I  wonder  what  o'clock  it  is'.'  Now,  any  otlier  man  would  look 
at  his  watch — but  really,  what  with  tiie  trouble  of  taking  it  out,  and 
looking  at  it,  and  iMittinpit  back  again,  it  isn't  worth  the  cxciien.ent. 
Now  probably  .iny  oth.r  man  in  my  circumstances  wi  uld  go  nut  gar- 
dening or  shooting  — nut  thai  there's  any  po.-itive  exuberance  of;.ame 
in  Ilanipstead— or  fi-liini; ;  now  I  /i,iri'  some  fish  in  iin/  fishjond.  I 
put  them  in  myself,  and  conseiiuently  I  feel  myself  authorized  in 
calling  my  j>onil  a  fish  pond.  I  would  not  mind  ^'oing  out  fishing,  if 
I  was  sure  that  I  shouldn't  catch  anythiiijr ;  but.  nalty,  wliat  with 
the  excitement  of  watching  the  float,  and  then  the  frif:htful  shock, 'if 
there  happens  to  come  a  nibble,  it's  more  than  my  lurvfus  s^ystem 
will  bear,  (rises,  looks  off  at  back)  Holloa,  liolloa !  who  is  tiiat 
strange,  and  by  no  means  fashionably  dressed  individual,  trespassing 
in  the  imn\ediate  neij;hborhood  of  my  fish  pond  —  and  whats  the 
man  about?  I  repeat  the  question — what's  the  man  about?  G(  od 
gracious!  he's  divesting  himself  of  his  upper  garment — but  whether 
his  intention  is  to  take  a  bath,  or  drown  himself — whether  he  iscon- 
templating  the  fish,  or  suicide.  Ha!  he  clasps  his  hands  together — 
he's  about  to  take  a  "  one,  two,  three,  and  oft'  she  goes!  "  but  he 
fiba'n't.    No — here,  stop — stop!  (Iiu.</iesout,  c.  d.) 

Sno.  {without)  Come  here,  sir— come  along,  sir  —  1  say,  come 
along,  sir ! 

Re-enters  with  the  Intruder,  shahbilff  dressed,  kis  coat  half  of:  leaning 
on  his  shoulder. 

—Now,  look  up.  there's  a  good  man— look  up,  I  say  !  ( fiercely,  shaking 
him)  It's  no  use.  There,  there!  {places  him  in  arm  chair,  i.  h.) 
What  a  frightful  Plate  of  excitement  I'm  in,  to  be  sure.  I  almost 
wish  I'd  let  him  drown  himself.  Sir — I  say,  sir!  {shaking  the  Intri'- 
DER.  7fho  m'tkes  violent  motion  of  sviwming — observing  him)  He's  evi- 
dently laboring  under  the  erroneous  impression  that  he's  swimming 
several  times  round  my  fish  pond.  Sir— sir— (^i/>5  his  fingers  into  the 
fish  bowl,  and  sprinkles  wafr  into  the  Intruder's /</<■«. ) 

In.  Where  am  I?  (looking  up  at  Ssoozlf.,  and  nodding  to  him.) 
Ah !  how  are  you.  old  fellow?  {stares  about  him.)  As  1  said  before,  where 
am  I  ?  Let  me  collect  my  scattered  senses.  How  did  1  get  here — 
in  tkis  chair ?     Is  it  a  chair  ?     It  is  a  chair !     And  what's  this  —  a 


AN  0NWAEEANTABLE   INTRUSION.  O 

table?  Yes!  Bread?  (takes  loaf  of  table.)  Yes  \  Butter?  (putting 
knife  into  butter,  and  looking  at  it.)  Yes  !  (looks  up  again  at  Snoozle.) 
llsil— (turns  him  round.)  — that  extraordinary  dvess  —  (grasping  his 
arm,  and  looking  intently  into  his  face.)— those  ordinary  features!  Yes, 
yes  1  I  remember  all !  And  now,  sir  —  I  say.  now  ponderous  man 
(throwing  both  his  legs  over  the  arm  o/c/(aiV)— perhaps  you'll  condescend 
to  explain,  in  as  few  words  as  possible,  what  all  this  means? 

Sno  Sir.  I  am  strongly  impressed  with  the  idea  that  the  great 
majority  of  mankind  wo u'ld  consider  me  warranted  in  putting  that 
question  to  you. 

Int.  Pooh,  pooh!  come  to  the  point,  sir — no  evasion.  Will  you 
allow  me  to  ask  you,  do  you  look  upon  yourself  as  my  father  —  or 
either  of  my  brothers— or  any  of  my  uncles  ?  In  short,  as  any  rela- 
tion to  me,  whatever  ? 

S'lo.     Certainly  not,  sir. 

Int.     Do  you  know  who  I  am  ? 

Sm.     No ! 

/ ''.     Did  you  ever  see  me  before  ? 

Sno.  No  !  And  candor  compels  me  to  say,  that  I  don't  very 
much  care  if  I  never  see  you  again  ! 

Int.  Then,  sir — (rising,  and  advancing  upon  Snoozle)  — you'll  al- 
low me  to  ask  you,  by  what  right  do  you  presume  to  take  such  an 
impertinent  liberty  as  to  prevent  my  drowning  myself,  if  I  tiiink 
proper  ? 

Sno.     Infatuated  juvenile  !  — 

Int.  No  shuffling,  sir— I  demand  an  answer  !  I  don't  pretend  to 
be  more  particular  than  other  people,  but,  at  the  same  time,  as  I  ne- 
ver take  a  liberty  with  anybody,  I  never  a'low  anybody  to  take  a  liber- 
ty with  me.  For  instance — if  you  were  to  devote  the  remainder  of 
your  existence  to  making  away  with  your  life,  do  you  suppose  I  should 
ever  interfere  with  you?     Never,  corpulent  being — never  !  (crosses  to 

L.    H.) 

S/to.  Don't  talk  nonsense,  young  man !  I  consider  it  my  duty, 
as  a  distinguished  member  of  the  R  lyal  Humane  Society,  to  — 

Int.  No  such  thing,  sir  !  My  belief  is.  that  you  grudged  me  a  last 
resting-place  among  your  fishes.  Yes,  bulky  individual,  that  was 
your  selfish  motive  ! 

Sno.  (annoyed)  Well,  then,  I'm  sorry  for  it.  I  heartily  wish  you 
were  at  the  bottom  of  my  fish  pond  at  this  moment.  If  you  doubt, 
you  know  were  it  is— go  and  try. 

Int.  Well, 'pon  ray  life,  you're  a  cool  soi't  of  fellow  !  A  very  like- 
ly mxtter,  t'lat  I'm  going  to  drown  myself  to  suit  your  convenieuca, 
wh-n  you  wouldn't  let  me  do  it  to  suit  my  own  !  But,  dear  me,  perhaps 
all  this  time  I  may  have  mistaken  your  reasons  for  saving  my  life.  Of 
course  I  have.     You  could  have  but  one  motive— 

Sno.     [gratified]     Of  course  not — and  that  was — 

lit.     To  provide  for  me,  for  the  remainder  of  my  existence ! 

Sno.     To  provide  for  you ! 

Int.  Of  course  !  There — [grasping  S^oozriE's  hand]  say  no  more — 
I  forgive  you ! 

Sno.     [indignanf]     Forgive  me  \ 


6  AN   CNWARniNTADLE    IXTmrrflON'. 

Int.     Yes;  and  what's  more,  you  must  allow  mo  instantly  to  <  m 
brace  you  ! 
Sno.     J'ooh ! 

Int.     I  insist  upon  instantly  rmhracinf:  you. 
Sno.     Notisi'iisf  !  besiiles,  1  bavtii't  shavol  to-day. 

Int.     Then,  I'll  cinhraLC  yuu  to-inonow. 

Sno.     To-nioiTow  I      Ilu,  ha!     So  you're  coming  liack,  arc  you? 

Int.     Comin;;  Itiuk?      I'mnotgoiug! 
Sno.    Not  poiiigl 

Int.  Of  course  not !  No,  sir,  if  thcrcisono  sentinunt  m.  re  i  roml- 
mni  than  anotlier  in  this  bos  im,  it  is  (.Tititude.  Ves  sir,  praiitude! 
Whut!  k'uve  you — my  jireservir— my  leiicficior?  No.  sir,  I  ^lionkl 
never  foi  give  mys'eir  if  I  didiit  stick  to  you  ihroU'jh  life,  \clappin;; 
Ssoozi.K  i>n  I  lie  iifioul)/f\  Kvi-n  at  this  very  moment,  sir,  it's  just  as 
much  as  1  can  do  to  ret'min  from  eniliiMcing  ynii,  th' uirh  you  li.-ivfn't 
shaved!     Whatian  I  way  more?     Hog''  inaii.  whiit  can  I  .-^ny  more? 

Sno.  Sir,  I'ni  d^■e|>ly  touoiied  with  yourtixpression  of  gratitude  lor 
the  trifling  sorvico  that  I — 

Int.  Tritliiig  service  ?  Vou  may  call  it  a  trifle,  but  I  don't.  ( 
contend,  that  if  A.  saves  the  life  of  IJ. — tl»at  B.  l>eing  a  total  >trangi«i 
to  A. — solely  for  ih"  purpose  of  providing  for  tlie  remainder  of  15.  o  life. 
and  totally  regardle-^s  of  the  approhanoii  of  the  pulilio — wlioiii  I  sliall 
designate  as  C.  and  D. — why  it's  i-vident  tliat  in  preserving  the  afore- 
said 15.,  the  atiove  mentioned  A.  ran  only  liave  Ixjen  aetuati-d  by  tlie 
purest  motivi  H— .ind  that.  I  aui  sui-e,  would  be  the  opinion  of  the  great 
majority  of  an  enlinh'ened  C.  and  D. 

Sua.  Sir,  don't  ta  k  nonsrnse.  This  is  a  most  unwarrantable  in- 
trusion, sir.  fiiMile  I  I'll  go  to  the  window  and  look  out  for  an  occasional 
policeman.  Perhaps  one  may  pa-8.  It  isn't  very  likely  —  lut  IR'J 
has  been  a  very  remarkable  ye^r — why  not  1858  ?     [retires  iiji  a.  u.J 

Int.     I  .say.  sir  — 

Sno:     Well? 

Int.     Ifow  much  do  you  pay  ftir  your  lump?     [(uKlin^  sugar.'] 

Sno.     My  what,  sir'.' 

Int.     Your  lump  ! 

Sno.     You'd  better  a.sk  my  grocer,  sir. 

Int.  No:  that  wou'id  be  taking  a  liberty.  Besi'les,  vour  grocer 
might  s.iy  that  you  d'U't  pay  at  all— ha,  ha  I  1  sa^',  sir — have  you 
anything  particular  to  do.  jtist  now  ? 

Sno.     No.  sir  ! 

Int.  Then  suppose  you  ask  me.  as  a  particular  favor,  to  tell  you 
my  melancholy  story  ? 

Sno.     I  shan't  do  any  such  thing,  sir! 

Int.  Very  well — then  I'll  lell  you  without  your  asking.  So,  take 
a  seat,  extensive  creature  ! 

Sno.     If  it's  the  same  thing  to  you,  sir.  I'd  rather  stand. 

Int.  But  it  isn't  the  same  thing  to  me.  or  1  shouldn't  ask  you  to 
sit  down.     You're  talking  nonsense  ! 

Sno.  [itsidf)  I  suppose  I  had  better  humor  this  eccentric  being. 
I  sha'n't  want  a  day  to  myself  in  a  h'lriy  agiin  !  (>:ili»i(f)  Very  well, 
Sir;  since  you  insist  upou  it,  I  will  ait  down.  {  goino  towards  casi/ 
chair . ) 


AN   UNWAREANTAELE   INTRtrSION.  f 

Int.  So  will  T.  (seats  himself  in  easij  chair,  and  pushes  another  chair 
towards  Snoozle,  l.  h.  ) 

Sno.  1  beg  pardon,  sir,  but  I've  a  preference  for  the  chair  that 
you  are  sitting  in,  sir 

Int.  So  have  I,  or  I  shouldn't  be  sitting  in  it !  The  thing  spealis 
fur  itself — so,  sit  down,  [luungcs  back  in  the  easy  chair,  and jmix  ,.'.• 
legs  on  the  other,  us  Snoozle  is  about  to  seat  himself,  L.  H.  )  What  a 
strange  fellow  you  are.     Why  the  deuce  don't  you  sit  down? 

Sno.  [disgusted,  crosses  to  R.  and  takes  chair  forward )  There! 
(seat  in  ff  himself  on  another  chair.  ) 

Int..  What  arc  you  sitting  out  there  for  ?  You  ndght  as  well  be  in 
the  next  country  ! 

Sno.     I  wish  1  was,  sir.      (places  chair  R.  of  table) 

Int.  Do  you '.'  VVt;ll,  wait  till  you've  heard  luy  story,  and  then 
you  can  go!  Now,  then — but  before  1  begin,  1  tbink  it  necessary  to 
mention  —  flaking  up  a  plate  from  off  the  table,  and  playing  with  it  — 
Snoozi.e  takes  it  out  of  his  hand]  I  repeat.  I  think  it  necessary  to  men- 
tion that  there  are  one  or  two  poins  in  my  history  that  may  proba- 
bly strike  you  as  somewhat  remarkable. 

Sno.     [disgusted]     Oh,  go  on,  do  ! 

Int.  In  the  first  place,  1  never  had  any  mother  or  father.  That's 
a  singular  fact,  isn't  it  ? 

Sno.     Oh,  come,  come — ■ 

Int.  Well,  if  you  doubt  it,  1  refer  you  to  them.  Consequently.  I 
never  had  any  name.  That's  another  ^-ingular  fact.  So  what  do  you 
think  I  did?  I  christened  myself— stood  my  own  godfather  and  god- 
mother! That's  another  singular  fact,  eh?  [opening  and  shutting 
tea  caddy — Snoozlb  removes  it  to  table,  R.J  And  what  name  do  you 
think  I  gave  myself  ? 

S?w.     I'm  sure  1  elon't  know. 

Int.  Of  course  you  don't— but  you  can  guess,  big  man  —  you  can 
guess — [taking  toasting  fork,  and  pricking  him.] 

Sno.  [disgusted]  Well,  then,  perhaps  you  called  yourself  Thomas, 
or  John — 

Int.  That's  it !  John!  Ah.  somebody  told  you.  Yes,  I  calhd 
myself  John.     I  like  John— don't  you? 

Sno.     [yawning"]     Very  much  inelerd.  ■ 

Lit.  1  elon't  believe  you  do.  If  you  elon't.  say  so.  I've  not  the 
slightest  objection  to  christen  mys'df again — it's  not  the  least  trouble. 
Perhaps  you  prefer  James  ?      With  all  my  heart.     We'll  say  James. 

Sno.     [sh(:uting]     I  elon't  care. 

Inl,     You're  sui'e  you  don't  ?     Then  why  object  to  Je-hn  ? 

Sno.     I  didn't! 

Int.  Very  well— then  Jchn  be  it.  But,  seriously — if  ycu  really 
prefer  James — 

Sno.  \shouting]  I  tell  you,  it's  a  matter  of  the  most  perfect  in- 
diifer'fence  to  mc. 

//(/.  Then  why  the  cieucc  make  all  this  fuss  about  it?  [taking  up 
fouyling  fork  again,  and  .stirring  the  fsh  bowl.  S^OOZr.F,  removes  it  again] 
Well,  as  1  have  said  before,  I  called  myself  John.  So  I — I'm  sure  you 
pv^.fat  James ! 


8  AN    LNW.VRKA.NTABLE    INTKUSION. 

Sno.     [sliiiutinj.j     Will  you  go  on  with  your  story,  sir. 
Int.     However,  I  rL^piite  I  u   buriiame,  ho  -  by   tlie   bye,    I  think  I 
fjrg'jt  to  iiicati'ia  that  1  wis  br night  up  in   the  ouutry — 

H'lo.  lastUe  j  1  wi-^h  you  d  never  bceu  bruughi  up  from  the 
country  I 

Jiif.  Well,  sir — [leaning  back  in  chiir,  and  rinyimj  hell  on  tuiU  violcnt- 
hj — Snokzle  takf»  it  uut  ufhis  fiuiiti  J  the  hou»e  tluit  my  old  nursi.'  lived 
in — f'tr  she  (/((/ live  iu  a  house — 1  don't  mention  t/uit  as  a  lingular 
liict,  but — 

Sun.     rjo  on  sir  ! 

/n(.     Well,  the  hiuxe  she  livcl in — I  raijrht  say,  died   in  —  for,  bc- 
in)^  11  reni:irkul)ly  old  woman  she  (i«/   die— 1  don't  mention  t/uit  O-s  a 
-iiigiilar  (act,  but — 
Sno.     (.10  on  bir! 

/ii(.     Well  —  (puttirii;  a  piecf  o/xuijitr  in  /u.t  m>ulh — SNoozr.E  remwa 
fugnr   basin)  — ih^  house  she  lived  in— I  mc:in  wliilc  she  waa  alive 
ii"t  since — was   surrounded    by    a    hi-djic  of  tiourishing   young  ash- 
jilatita.     Well,  one  day,  Mr. — liy  the  bye,  what'd  your  name'/ 
Sno.    !<n()()/.le,  sir  I 
/'«^     Sn>o/.lc>erI 
Sn<j.     SuO'Zle ! 

Int.     Oh !  well,  as  I  wa^  going  to  aiy,  Mr. — 
Sno.    Snoozle,  sir ! 

Int.     Snoizk'.'^cr— it  suddenly  o.'currc  I  to  me  that  I'd  call  myself 
Aslijtlant.  and   what's   more,   I  did  call  my>elf  Ashplant.      Well,  { 
tlion;.:ht  ll.e  name  would  do  very  wull.     What  do  you   thiuk  I 
Sun.     I  think  so   too. 

Ini .  Then  you're  wring.  iKj.-ause  it  won'tl  No.  for  on  revisiting, 
the 'itlicr  day.  the  scene- of  my  cliildhood.  1  finnd.  to  my  dismay, 
th:it  every  alternate  ash  plant  had  be.n  romjved,  and  its  place  sup. 
pliid  l.y  a  holly  bush. 

Sn.,.'    Well,   what  of  that? 

Int.  What  of  thai'?  Well  I'm  surjirisod  at  you  I  Doesn't  it  follow, 
as  a  natural  conso>]uencc,  that  1  don't  know  now  whi-ther  to  call  my- 
self .Vshplant  or  HollybnshV      Whi  h   Ji  you  like  b-sf.' 

Sno.  (vfn/ rjiiirklj/)  Ashpl'^nt,  eir  !  I  unhe-itatingly  decide  in  fa- 
vour of  Asliplant — so,  pet  on  I 

fill.     Well,  I'm  .sorry  i'^-r  that,  because  I  rather  pr.^fer  IloUybush. 
However,  if  you're  particular  abjut  your  Ashplant,   I'll  give  up  my 
Hollybush.     I  can't  say  more. 
S'lo.     Go  on  1 

////.     Well,  sir — (opening  table  drawer,  and  takinrj  onl  a  b-ffer,   unxeen 
.  I  Snoozle,  who  has  turned  aicn/  in  di.''fjml)—as  I  wa-j  about  to  observe 
-(hreaking  seal,  and  reidint)  letter)    "Why  doom   a   wretched  lover  to 
de-ipair,  relentless  Snoozle?" 

S.io.  How  dare  you,  sir — [  tnrnx  the  (able — a  revolting  one — s^  (hat 
th.  fish  botpl  and  urn  come  opposite  to  Ixtkuder  ] 

///'.  [looking  ut  fisli\  Pretty  little  d^ai's  !  I  wonder  if  they  like 
muffin.  I Jlings  tiro  wiifrins  into  bowl  Holloa!  these  6sh  want  frosh 
water — relentless  Snoozle.  these  fish  w:mt  fresh  water!  [^turns  cock 
of  the  urn  u-hich  isjttst  over  the  fish  bowl.j 


AN  UNWAREANTABLE  INTRUSION.  9 

Sno.  Zounds !  what's  he  at  now  ?  [  Snoozle  removes  bowl,  stops  wa- 
ter, and  places  it  on  table,  R.  H.J 

Int.  [taking  another  paper  out  of  drawer,  and  reading'\  "  Mr.  Snoozle 
to  Jemina  Brown.     Six  shirts,  one  and  nineperice — four  pair  of" — 

Sno.  Oh,  confound  it !  [drags  table  violently  away.  The  Intruder 
has  hold  of  tuindle  of  drawer,  whick  comes  out,  and  a  mass  of  letters,  papers, 
ijT.  fall  out.  I 

Int.  There — there  !  Don't  go  and  say  I  did  it !  Never  mind — I'll 
pick  'em  all  up  to-morrow,  or  the  day  after  ! 

Sno.  This  is  intolerable — iusuii'erable  !  [taking  out  a  gold  snuffbox, 
and  taking  a  pinch  J     In  short,  sir,  i  don"t  like  it ! 

Int.  Don't  you?  [takes  snuff  box  from  :^'SOozle,  and  helps  himself  1 
Well,  I've  tasted  better  myself —  try  mine  !  [offering  a  small  common 
tin  box  to  S'^oozhE,  who  indignantly  opens  it,  and  takes  a  large  pinch..] 
That's  ratlier  the  thing,  eh  ?  You .  like  a  change  sometimes  ?  Of 
course  you  do — ^so  do  1 !  [puts  Snoozle's    snuff  box  into  his  pocket,  j 

Sno.     Give  me  that  snuff  bos,  sir. 
V     Int.     Don't  be  in  a  hurry.     You  shall  have   it  again,  some  day  or 
other,  before  1  go.     But,  by  the  bye,  I  haven't    finished  my  story  yet. 

Sno-     I'shaw!      [^walks  about] 

Int.  That's  right.  A  little  exercise  before  dinner  will. do  us  both 
good,     [takes  S.soozle's  arm,  walks  him  up  and  down]     'Well,  as  I  was 

going    to  say Stop  a  bit. — [  sneezes — then  seeing  part  of  Snoozle's 

handkerchief  hanging  out  of  his  pocket,  takes  it  out  and  uses  it.}  Thoss 
are  capital  teeth  of  yours — where  did  you  get  them  from? 

Sno.     Go  on,  sir? 

Int.  Well  then,  sir,  in  due  time  1  reached  the  age  of  manhood,  and 
from  that  moment  Fortune  frowned  upon  nie.  I  found  myself  with- 
out a  family,  without  friends,  without  a  name,  except  Ashplaut— no, 
HoUybush— no,  Ashplaut!  Which  eras  it  ?  Really,  you  (/o  confuse 
me  in  such  a  dreadful  manner 

Sno.  (shouting)   Go  on,  sir! 

Int.  I  shan't  be  happy  till  you  tell  me  where  you  got  your  teeth 
from?     AVell,  as  I  said  before 

Sno.     Goodness  gracious!  never  mind  what  you    i  itl  before! 

hit.  But  you  really  bother  me  so.  Suppose  I  go  back  to  the  bei 
ginning  ? 

Sno.  No— suppose  you  come  to  the  ending — as  quick  as  you  conTe> 
niently  can. 

Int..     Well.then 1  don't  much  like  that  morning-gown  of  yours 

— made  out  of  a  pair  of  decayed  bed  curtains,  I  should  say.  Never 
mind.  Well,  to  resume.  Fortune  at  last  smiled  upon  me  — actually 
smiled  upon  me,  in  the  shape  of  a  woman — young,  amiable,  beau- 
tiful, and  rich  —  but  unfortunately  she  hul  in  uncle— and  what  was 
worse,  she  was  his  niece.  1  don't  mention  thut  as  a  singular  fact,  but 
she  icasl  He  wouldn't  hear  of  me — wouldn't  even  answer  my  letters 
— consequently,  I  grew  desperate  !  What  was  life  to  me  without  the 
aforesaid  lovely  niece  of  the  above-mentioned  cruel  uncle?  Nothing! 
So  I  determined  to  make  away  with  myself — and  for  that  purpose 
I  followed  the  course  of  the  New  River,  till  I  got  to  your  fishpond; 
but  you  thought  proper  to  interfere.     I  felt  rather  auuoysd  at  first— 


lO  AN    UNWARRANTABLE   INTRUSION. 

but  now  that  I  know  your  benevolent  purpose,  I'm  flotermincd  you 
slia'ii't  1)0  iii-a|iiiuint  d.  You've  g.  ncTously  umlertakon  to  provide  f<>r 
nil-  f)r  the  remaiiuJor  of  my  cxistjuce  !  To  prove  that  I'm  not  un- 
graicful,  hefL'  goes  !  [t'thex  off  his  coat  and  is  about  tu  }>ut  on  a  drus  coat 
which  IS  liiuiijiny  ui'cr  a  chair  nnir  /tun) 

Sno.     Holloa,  lioHoii!   what's  the  man  about'? 

Int.  Why,  you  don't  imagine  that  I'd  let  people  say  that  you  didn't 
give  me  a  guo  1  coat  tomybaok?  No — I've  too  much  rc8|>ect  for 
you  I    (abjut  ^J  put  on  cuat) 

Sno.  l)>n't  put  on  that  garment,  sir  !  That's  the  coat  that  I  go 
to  dinner  parties  in. 

Int-  U\\ !  you  go  out  to  dinner  parties,  do  you?  Of  course  you'll 
tak''  mc  with  you?    (tbnit  to  put  on  co<it) 

Sno.     Will  yuu  nivo  me  tlial  coat,  air? 

/'(/.  (yxainminij  it)  Vou  don't  mean  to  say  you  wear  such  a  thing 
as  thij? 

Sno.    A  thing? 

fnt.     Why.  you  must  look  a  regular  Guy  in  it! 

Sno.     A  Guy? 

Int.     I'm  sure  of  it! 

Sno.  Oil  I  you  are,  are  you  ?  Very  well  I  (t'lk-.i  off  hix  dressing- 
gown,  tchich  he  throirs  on  chair,  and  puts  on  exit)  Now,  sir  !  (turning 
his  back  to  Intridkk)     Now,  sir,  what  d'ye  think  of  me? 

fnt.  («■/((>  in  the  meantime  puts  on  dresting-yown)  If  you  come  to  that, 
what  do  you  thiuk  of  me  ".'    \ turning  his  buck  to  Ss<iozr,F.  | 

Sno.  [looking  lit  him]     Holloa!      Give  mo  that  dre-ising-gown! 

Int.  Well,  what  will  you  ajk  in e  for  next,  F  wond'.T  ?  First  yon 
want  my  coat —th'u  you  want  my  dressing-gown  !  I  suppose  next 
you'll  want  my  purse  ?  |  lak'-s  purse  oiU  of  dressing  gown  pocket j 

Sno.     I'm  g >ing  stark-starinjr  mal  !   1  fed   I  am! 

Int.  No,  are  you  ?  1  should  like  t )  see  how  you  do  it.  You'll  wait 
till  I've  ha<J  my  br.akfasf.'  [sits  down\  Suppose  you  fry  mc  a  couple 
of  your  fisli  ?   |  looks  at  the  b)wl\ 

Sno.     I  shan't  do  any  such  thing  sir ! 

Int.     Won't  you?     Well,  boil 'cm — I'm  nou  particular  ! 

Sno.  [roming  to  table  opposite  iNTRCriERj  ^ir— [.strikes  the  tabic  with 
hi^tistj — you  won't  g't  any  breakfast  here!  There's  nothing  in  the 
bou-*e— and  there's  nobidy  in  the  hou-e  to  g»t  any  thint;  in  the  house! 
My  seivails  are  gone  out— my  wif-'s  g-,ne  out  —my  daunh  ten's  gone 
out — ny  nijce  is  goae  out — in  short,  we're  all  cone  out, — and  the  soon- 
er you  foil  )\v  our  examp  e.  an  1  go  out  tio,  the  better! 

Int  Well,  I've  not  the  least  objection — especially  as  the  ladies  ar.^ 
not  at  homj.     But  1  suppose  I  sh  ill  see  them  at  dinner? 

S'lo.     Dinner.' 

I'U.     What's  your  hour  ' 

Sno.     Soiuetimes  one.  and  som  times  another! 

Inl.  Ah'  you  like  tt  vary  the  thing,  eh?  (looking  about  him) 
Ileilly.  t'jis  IS  a  ver,-  satisfactory  little  place  of  yours!  Nice  room, 
tins— and  not  badly  fitt.d  up  either- thou<,'h  I  must  say  I  don't  alto- 
gether like  the  arrangement  of  the  furniture ! 

Sno.     It  doesn't  much  signify,  sir  ! 


AN  UNWARSANTABLE  INTRUSION.  H 

Int.    I  beg  your  pardon— it  signifies  a    good  deal.     For  instance,' 
that  sofa  has  no  business  there  !     {pushes  sofd  to  other  side    of  stage) 
There — that's  much  better! 

Sno.  What  are  you  about,  sir?  (while  ^^oozle.  runs  and  replaces 
sofa,  the  Intruder  goes  to  flower  stand) 

Int.  That  flower  stand  down  here  !  [pushes  floivcr  stand  down  to 
footlights)  There,  now  a  chair  on  each  side — there — that's  a  great 
iaiprovement.     [nts  down  with  his  back  to  Audience) 

Sno.     He'll  be  the  death  of  :ne     [falling  into  the  other  chair) 

Int.  Strictly  speaking,  the  whole  of  that  side  of  the  room  ought 
to  come  down.     \^points  to  back^ 

Sno.     You'd  better  pull  the  entire  tenement  down  at  once,  sir. 

Int.  There's  no  knowing  what  I  may  do,  some  day  or  other,  be- 
fore I  go.  So,  you've  got  a  wife,  have  you?  A  charming,  lovely  crear 
ture,  I'll  be  bound — not  like  that  frightful  old  Jezabel  up  there— 
\_points  to  portrait  of  a  lady  \ 

Sno.  [starts  up]  That  frightful  old  Jezabel,  up  there,  happens  to 
be  my  wife. 

Int.  No  !  (  starts  up  and  seizes  Snoozle's  hand )  I  congratulate  you ! 
You  may  make  yourself  perfectly  comfortable  about  Mrs.  Snoozelser! 

Sno.     Snoo^le ! 

Int.  But,  if  you'll  allow  me,  I  think  I  can  suggest  an  improve- 
ment. \_  goes  and  turns  portrait  with  its  head  down]  There — Mrs.  Snoo- 
zleser  looks  much  better  so. 

Sno.  \ivho  has  replaced  the  flower  stand  to  where  it  originally  stood — 
seeing  the  Intrudku  J  What's  he  been  at  now?  He's  turned  Mrs. 
Snoozle  upside  down,  [observing  Intruder,  who  has  taken  a  painting 
brush,  and  is  touching  up  the  picture  on  the  easel}  Come  away  from  that 
picture,  sir! 

Int.     Let  me  paint  your  portrait. 

Sno.     I  have  sat  for  my  portrait  already,  sir. 

Int.  Then  suppose  you  stand  for  it  on  one  leg.  I  should  like  to 
take  you  on  one  leg.  Oh,  that's  you,  I  suppose  !  [looking  at  man's 
portrait \   You  don't  muan  to  say  you  sat  for  that  picture? 

Sno.     I  certainly  did,  sir,  and  it's  just  come  home. 

Int.  Then  you  must  have  been  sitting  on  thorns,  or  something 
equally  uncomfortable,  for  a  more  hideous  expression  of  countenance 
I  never  saw  in  all  my  life— never !  1  can't  bear  to  look  at  it !  That's 
not  your  eye.  I'll  paint  it  for  you.  [takes  palette  and  brush,  and  gives 
it  a  dab  of  black  on  the  eye)  That's  more  like  you.  [goes  to  piano  and 
opens  it]  I'll  play  you  ^a  tune. 

Sno.     Don't  touch  that  piano,  sir. 

Int.  Confound  it.  you  won't  let  me  do  anything,  [turns  toioards 
S'soozL^,  and  crosses  his  arms]  What  do  you  mean  by  it?  I  repeat — 
what  do  you  mean  by  it  ?     [sits  down  on  keys  of  piano] 

Sno.     (shouting)     You'll  dislocate  the  piano,  sir. 

Int.  AVell,  what  if  I  do  ?<  I'll  put  it  to  rights  again,  some  day  or 
other  before  I  go.  (sits  down  to  piano,  and  runs  up  and  down  the  notes, 
then  begins  to  sing  very  loud,  and  very  much  out  of  tune) 

Sno.     Don't  make  such  a  noise— I  could  hear  you  a  mile  off. 

Int.     You  couldn't ! 

Srio.     I  eould  ! 


J-  AN    UNWARKAXTABUi   INTRUftJON. 

ln(.     ('"i/in.'  fitr/iriy  affain)     Go  and  try. 
Sno.     Will  30U  bo  qni?t? 

Jnt.  {gtts  on  chair,  takem  lutok  frovt  ofT sfielf,  hanging  up  neir  L.  U.  D. 
starts,  and  looks  of,  c.  i>.)  Holloa!  by  Juve,  what  ft  magnifioicnt  croft- 
ture  !  (^throws  licicn  the  b'jok-case,  the  books  all  f<tll ,  he  jumps  off  chair,  runs 
down  tn  SxooziJ'.,  takes  him  by  the  arm,  and  hurries  tif>  to  c.  l>.  and  jn.ittis 
off)  Who  is  she?  There  — don't  you  see— coming  up  the  gravel 
walk,  in  tho  .nky  bluo  bonnet! 

Sno.     My  wife  como  bock  ! 

//(/.     Your  wife— Mrs.  Snooilcscr? 

Sno-    No,  no ! 

Jnt.     You  sftid  your  wife  ! 

Sno.     I  didn't! 

Jnt.    Oh,  very  well— then  I'll  go  and  talk  to  her— [^oin^] 

Sno.     I  won't  allow  it.     [stopping  AimJ 

Jnt.  Come,  I  like  that,  if  hdc  i^in't  your  wife,  what  can  it  mat- 
ter to  you?  Where's  my  hat?  Nerer  mind  —  this'U  do  !  [snalcha 
cup  oj/'Sm>ozlk'8  head,  at\d  puts  it  ohJ 

Sito.     [stopping  him]     Stop  where  you  are,  sir  ! 

Int.  Lxcuse  me — but  as  you  think  proper  to  find  fault  with  every- 
thing I  du,  I'd  rat  her  go. 

Sno.  [puUf  him  hirk]  But  I'd  rather  you  didn't  go.  [aside]  I 
wouldn't  have  him  speak  to  Mrs.  Snoozle  for  the  world. 

Jnt-     Besides,  you  toll  me  to  j;o  just  now — 

Sno.  But  I  didn't  mean  it.  1  like  you — Ilike  you  much.  I  never 
met  so  entertaining— I  might  say  facinating  a  creature,  in  all  my  life! 
Jusiiort,  you're  the  delij^ht  of  my  existence — so,  perhaps  you'll  oblige 
me  by  playing  me  a  tunc  on  the  piano. 

Jnt.     No : 

Sno.     Then  take  my  portrait,  I'll  stand  on  one  leg. 

Jnt.     No,  no — [going] 

Sno.     [stopping  him]     [aside]     What's  to  be  done. 

Jnt.     [shouting  toicards  c.  n.J    I'll  be  with  you  directly,  ma'am ! 

Sno.     [aside]     I  have  it.  [rt/oM</|  My  dear  Mr.  Holly  bush — 

Jnt.  Oh,  now  it's  Hollybush— just  now  it  was  .\shplant.  That's  so 
like  you— you  don't  know  your  own  mind  for  five  minutes  together. 
[shouts  again]     I'm  coming.  Ma'am! 

Sno.    Well,thcn— mydear  Ashplant— 

Jnt.    There now  it's  Ashplant  again !    Just  now  it  was  Hollybush  ! 

Snn.  You  were  latelv  describing  to  me  in  the  most  touching  terms 
imaginable— they  affect'  me  even  r\ov—[mak(s  a  patfutic  face)— your 
hopeless  Passion  for  a  voung  and  lively  'virinn 

Jnt.  Ah.  but  then  l" hadn't  seen  that  skyblue  bonnet.  I  love  that 
skyblue  bonnet— my  very  existence  is  bound  up  in  that  skyblue  bon- 

Sno.  (keeping  him  baek)  But.  perhaps,  if  the  aforesaid  cruel  uncle 
of  the  above-mentioned  lovely  niece,  thought  you  possed  a  little  money 
[}cith  intention.] 

Jnt.  I  know  you  you'll  give  me  lots  of  money — but  what's  the  use 
of  that  ?  What  1  want  is  a  name— a  family — a  father  and  mother  ? 
. By  the   bye,    why  shouldn't   you    be    my  father    and   mother? 


AN    UNWARRANTABLE   INTRUSION.  13 

7ou  shaV  be  my  father  and  mother!     [gives  Snoozle  a  violent  slap  on 
the  lack  I 

Sno .  ~  Fooh  !  pooh  ! 
Int.     Yru  won't  adopt  me  ? 
Sno.     Certainly  not ! 

Int.  Very  well— then  I'll  make  love  to  that  skyblue  bonnet.  I'll 
make  that  skyblue  bonnet  the  happiest  woman  in  England !  I'll 
write  to  her  this  instant!  Pens,  ink,  and  paper — where  are  pens, 
mk,  and  paper?  [rummages  tables,  dratvers,  ^'c.  folloived  by  Snoozle, 
who,  as  soon  as  the  Intruder  seats  himself  at  a  table  to  ivrite,  stands  on  the 
opposite  side  of  the  table,  and  lays  his  hand  on  the  sheet  of  paper ^  or  takes  the 
inkstand  away.\ 

Sno.  (u'lth  dignity)  Sir,  it's  time  the  veil  was  rent  asunder.  That 
lady  m  tha  skyblue  bonnet  is  my  wife ! 

Int.     I'm  sorry  for  you  !  you  ought  to  liave  mentioned  it  before 
It's  too  late  now  !      I  love  her  !     She's  Heces.sary  to  my  existence- — 
so  you'll  give  her  up,  won't  you? 
Sno      Give  her  up  ! 

Int      Perhaps  you'd  rather  give  me  your  daughter  ? 
Sno.     No,  sir  ! 

Fnt.     At  any  rate,  you'll  give  me  your  niece  ? 
Sno-     No! 

Int.    Neither  one  nor  the  other  ? 
Sno.     Neither  one  nor  the  other ! 

Int.     Then   I'll  take  them  all    three!   (goes  up  to  c.t).)     Here,  sir — 
here  will  I  take   my  stand— here  will  I  stick,  firm  and   fi.xed  as  one 
of  the  door  posts,  and  the  instant  any  one  of  them — or  any  two  of  them 
• — or  all  three  of  them  appear,  I  throw  myself  at  their  several  feet! 
Voice,  [from  n.H.D.j  Mr.  Snoozle!  Mr.  Snoozle! 
Sno.     My  wife ! 

Int.     His  wife  !     (Snoozle  rushes  to  r.h.d.,  shuts,  and  bolts  it.) 
Voice,   (from  c.d.)   Papa  !  dear  papa  ! 

Sno.     My  daughter !  [he  i-uns  and  closes  CD.     By  this  time  the  Intru- 
der has  re-opened  l.h.d.  and  is  going  in.  \ 
Int.     His  daugliter!     \ runs  and  opens  CD. '] 
Voice,     ["//-owj  L.H.D.]    Uncle!  uncle! 
Sno.     My  niece  !     {runs  and  closes  l.h.d.) 
Int.     His  niece!    (runs  towards  l.h.d,) 

Sno.  [meets  him,  seizes  him  by  the  collar,  arid  drags  him  fonvard]  "  Of 
one  or  both  of  us  the  time  is  come  !"  In  short,  sir,  if  you  don't  in- 
stantly go  and    drown  yourself,  I  will  I 

Int.  Benevolent  being!  your  delicacy  won't  permit  you  to  give  me 
up  your  wife,  so  you  generously  enable  me  to  marry  your  widow  !  So, 
go— drown  yourself,  and  be  happy ! 

S»o.  Will  you  leave  this  house,  sir  ?  Will  yju  at  once  put  an  end 
to  this  uwarrantnble  intrusion  ? 

Int.  No.  sir — nothing  shall  inluce  me  to  deprive  you  of  the  pleasure 
of  my  society  ! 

Sno.     Then  I'll  have  you  turned  out ! 

Int.     You  can't,  sir  ! 

Sno.    Hark  ye,  sir — my  niece  loves  a  young  gentleman— that  young 


14  AN    LMWAIIKANTABLE  IMTnuSION. 

gentleman  Icvcs  my  niece— I'll  write  to  him  this  moment— >;iTe  my 
cousout  to  tli'3  match  — but  on  one  comlitioii— aud  that  is,  that  he  in- 
stantly comes  and  kicks  you  out  ot  my  domicile ! 

Int.     Ua,  ha  I     I  should  like  to  sec  you  d'j  it  I 

6Viu.  Vou  Would,  Wou.d  jou  /  Tlieu  ht-regoes!  [dts  doiin,and 
begins  to  write \  "  My  dear  Mr.  .Johnson,  Junior-  the  hand  of  my  niice, 
Maria  Matilda,  i.i  yours,  with  a  foriuue  of  live  thou^eaud  pounds  !" 

Int.     Jolioson  won't  bo  satisfied — 

Sue.  Thou  I'll  make  it  ten!  [writing]  "Ten  thousand  pounds ! 
Your  affeotiouato  uuclo,  that  is  to  be,  Nath.vmjl  Sncio/.i.k."  There 
— [foliia  tetter]  Aud  now,  if  I  could  only  contrive  to  get  it  immedi- 
ately delivered— 

Int.  Nothing  so  simple  !  {takes  letter  out  of  Shoozlk'b  hand)  It  m 
delivered  I  Thank  ye,  uncle!     [noddinff  to  Buoizlk.]  • 

Sua.     Unole  !  Then  ,\ou  are — 

Int.  Mr.  John  Johnson,  Junior,  at  your  service  I  Vnu  wnuMnt 
ask  me  to  come  and  .-ee  yuu,  so  I  came  wilhnut  your  asking  1 
couldn't  understand  why  you  tlidn't  answtr  niy  Utters,  bo  1  came  (o 
ascertain  the  reason,  I  wauled  to  marry  your  niece  —  you  snid  I 
should  never  have  your  consent— I  said  1  would,  and  here  it  is' — 
\jlourtslnnij  letter.]     I  repeat,  here  it  is — Go  on,  I'aul. 

jj'^Q  I'aul  Bedfiird.  I  havn't  gotanyiuoie  in  my  part  I  [taking part 
out  tij'  his pockft,  and  showing  it.\ 

Wright.     No  more  have  I ! 

Rnd  Bedford.    1  say,  prompter! 

Enter  Prompter,  L.n 

Prompter.     Yes,  sir — 

Paid  lied  ford.     Hasn't  the  Author  sent  the  tag  yet? 

Prompter.     No,  sir— here's  the  MS. 

Wright.  Just  like  him  !  Vou  knew  he  didn't  send  the  tng  to  his 
last  new  Farce  till  about  five  minutes  before  the  curtain  went  up 

Promter.  1  he.ird  him  say  it  was  no  use  his  writing  a  tag,  for  Mr. 
VVriglit  always  spoke  his  own. 

Wright.  "That's  not  the  fact  There's  no  man  on  the  Stage  takes 
less  liberties  with  his  .\uthor  than  I  do.  Well.  I'aul— I  su}  poFC  we 
must  finish  the  Piece  as  well  as  we  can.  The  usual  thing  is  to  make 
a  pathetic  appeal  to  the  Audience — so  be  pathetic.  Paul — 

Piul  Bedford.     No— you  uiuh  rstand   that   better  than  I  do. 

Wright.  Then,  Ladies  and  Gentlemen,  all  I  can  say  is  that  if  we 
liave  committed  some  errors,  let  us  hope  that  they  are  trifling  enis: 
at  any  rate,  we'll  mannge  to  correct  them  by  to-mnrrow  evening,  'i 
you'll  ob'ige  iis  hv  looking  in — and  depend  upon  it.  come  as  often  as 
you  like,  we  shall  never  consider  it  an  "  uNWAi;r>ANT.\EiE  intrusion." 

Ciirl'jin. 

_**.      Originally  plaged  hj  Messrs.  Paid  Bedford  and  Wright.  . 


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BACK  SCENES. 
The  letters  denote  what  borders  and  sides  will  go  with  the  scenaa. 


1.  Cottage,  Interior  (j  b) 
3.        ••         Exterior  (o/) 
3.  Wood  {a J) 
,4.  Prison  (e  I) 

5.  Field  (a  k) 

6.  Caatle  {k) 
17.  Street  (g) 
\6.  Palace  (d  h) 

9.  Drawing-room  (j) 


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11.  Street,  Foreign  (e) 

12.  Roadside     Inn    with 

river  and  bridge  {k) 

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11.  Ship  Deck 

15.  Seascape  [k) 

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18.  Attic  [bj) 

19.  Lodging  Hous«Boom(^; 

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ai.  Court  of  Justice  (A) 

22.  BaroniAl  HaU  (A  b) 

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23A  "  Mt 

24.  Curtain 

25.  Drop  Scene. 


BORDERS  AND  SIDES. 
Price  Colored,  each,  30  cents.    Plain,  each,  15  cents. 


a  Foliage  Borders. 

b  Rocks  and  Raft  Borders. 

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d  Fancy  Borders. 


«  Foreign  Exterior  Sides,  i  j  Interior  Sides. 

/  Tree  Sides.  k  Field  and  Bock  Mdes. 

a  Exterior  Sides.  J  2  Stone  Sides. 

ft  Pillar  Kides. 


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PBICE  40  CENTS  EACH.  M     F 

The  Rose  of  Auvergne,  or  "  SpoiUng  the  Broth,"l  act.    Music  by  Offenbach  2  1 

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My  New  Maid,  composed  by  Charles  Lecocq,  1  act 0  2 

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ber wllffdo 17  » 


ABBAHGED    FOE     PEIVATK    EEPKESEKTATION. 
By  j.    V.   PRICHARD. 
Containing  80  selected  Tableaux,  with  instiuctions  how  to  get  them  up,  oast 
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y^^r-^  m'S  ACTING  EDITIONS, 


? 


PoppletoD'i  PredioameDta  Old  Sailor 


My  8l«(<>r  fr<^m  lDdt« 
Maria  Martin 
Aniung  tbo  Relic « 
Nabob  for  an  Hour 
An  UUI  BUn 
VilUme  KigUtiDgale 
Our  Nelly 
Partoera  for  Life 
Cbopatick  and  HpikiDii 
ChiBFlUnR 


Auld  Acqaaiat«Dce 

WteJg 

White  PilffTim 

DentiataOerk 
'  Lancers 

Lncille 

Randall'a  Thntnb 

Wicked  World 
I  Two  Orphan* 

'Twixt  Air  and  Crown 
I  Wonderful  Woman 

CuriouH  Caae 

Forty  Winks 


!Ptt' 


~i«2a 


nirde  in  their  LitUa  Nestd  \  Latly  Clancarty 


Pr<«tty  Prrdirauiuut 

8«Ten  Siua 

liiatired  at  I.lnyl'd 

H.iii.l  an  1  dlnv.' 

K  .,•  ..II  He 

1  >rti>hil> 

1 

I  p  111  til'.- 

I'uil..l 

Oil. , ill  IT.i 

I 

w 

I 


Ntv«r  Too  Ijttf  to  Mend 
I-lly  of  France 
I.rd  Am  ray.  25  eta. 


H.iirv  V 
(n. 


v.i-vr  vtraion 
''lusion 


^v,.rld 


le  a  Wife 


I 

\:i     ,  .  the  Ffflini' 

l..!.-  ^a  .1  (  uiii.'t 

luiUr  Fai/ie  CVlor" 

Heroos 

Philantbropy 

Littlo  Vixeus 

Tilephono 

Too  Latp  to  Save 

Just  My  Luck 

Orateflil  Ftitlifr 

Hapviy  Mulium 

Sole  Survivor 

lieck  or  Nothing 


"V«8  Him 

Law 

I  inker 
•  Will 

■  ii  ol  Hearts 
■  ■    of  Lvons  Marrie<l 
.c.A  Hillled 
liilttrCoM 
Pe.i.'ofk's  Holiday 
;I>ai''y  Farm 
I  Wriiiklt^ 
|Lanra»:bire  Lass 
On  an  Island 
Q.  E.  D. 

!  WitbtTcfl  Leaves 
(Ruth's  Kouiauoe 


,1-  Country 

jNoi  r«.m  Out  Fickle 
Infatuation 
jI^TCuport  Bros,  k  Co. 
Freezing  a  MottafT-itt-LAW 
"that  Dreadful  Doctor 
Plot  for  I'lot 
jOnr  Relative-* 
lEngaKed 
jMy  Awful  Dad 
[On  Uail 
I  Tom  Oobb 
j  Bow  B«llii 
i  Married  for  Money 
riiniiUkint'n  Fix 
jPatt.T  vemufi  Clatter 
For  her  Cblld'n  Sake 
,  Married  in  Hai-tc 
i  Our  IJoya 
I  Which 

I  My  Fnther'ti  WiU 
Daniel  Kocbat 
Caste 
School 
Home 

David  Oarriik 
Ours 

Social  Giant 
Daniel  Druco 
Pinafore 
Old  Soldier 
My  liaugbter'sDebni 
WoiM  of  Honor 
8oM  Again 
Oiiv  tawkes 
Little  Slaacaj) 
Handsome  Jack 
Scarlet  Dii  k 
Wedding  March 
My  Wife's  Father's  Sister 
Hia  Novice 
Much  too  Clever 
Hamlet  Improved 


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